Conquer The Moment

It’s been a while since I updated here… A lot has happened… First, though, lets just talk about the last couple of weeks, and especially today. Please pardon my format here, as I’m working directly from the site and not porting a document from Word. The depression has been oncoming for a couple of weeks now, with me preferring to stay indoors, away from social interaction, and rather than even doing something that I would enjoy, such as playing video games or reading, I’ve been moping around with my face stuck in Facebook, for the dog pictures and funny videos, College Humor etc, just for the cheap laughs to power me through the days and nights. Let’s just say that this evening, it all finally caught up with me, and I’m in a pretty low place.

Nothing dramatic has happened to encourage the comings on of the depression – things are going pretty well, in fact. I’m genuinely happy and free for the first time in my life; more on that in another post. I guess a good starting point would be a few weeks ago, when I learned I was losing my physician. For anonymity’s sake, let’s call her Shannon. She’s someone with whom I’ve come quite comfortable around, and can admit anything to, so it was really difficult to hear that she was leaving; though I’m at least glad she told me to my face and didn’t just up and disappear like I hear many doctors do. She wasn’t quite sure if she’d be staying within the practice or going to another, but promised she’d let me know if I were able to continue treatment through her. Apparently, that’s not the case, as I haven’t heard from her since, even after sending her a heart-felt e-mail immediately following my last appointment with her, which wished her all the best, and reminded her that I was still more than willing to continue being friends, a stage to which I thought we’d  come. She set my next appointment with someone who may be able to do well by me, though that was admittedly after she’d paused, considered, and said she didn’t think I’d do well with anyone in that office, so it’s a total crap shoot. Either way, I truly will miss her and the comfortably we shared. She was opening herself up to me, as I was her, and it truly made the difference, for someone suffering an alphabet of mental disorders, to come into the office without freaking out (though my blood pressure and heart beat were still quite elevated).

As a condition of my gong on and continuing on short term disability from work, which at some point, will transition to permanent disability (once I actually fill out the forms and go through the insane waiting period), I must see a psychiatrist. I had finally found one I enjoyed talking to, as she talked to me as well, divulging some private aspects of her life, but one day I called in near crisis mode, left a message on her voicemail, and though it’s been months gone by, I’ve yet to hear back… I’ve decided that, coupled with the enormous copay, dictated for me that I should once again, try seeing someone else. I know none of them will ever actually care about their patients, as the important thing to them is the paycheck, but I have to try to do a little better for myself…and that office is now far out of the way, as I’ve relocated… No time to start over but the present, I suppose. The worst part about that being that I actually do have to start over. It’s always difficult to attempt to establish a trusting relationship with someone new, and to be quite frank, I haven’t had the best of experiences. I’ll try to keep this updated going forward.

Keeping in the same topic of relocation, for the first time in my life, I’ve received a Juror’s Questionnaire, and of course it’s from the County in which I no longer reside. That being said, they need all sorts of proof and documentation that I don’t necessarily have, as I no longer pay rent or receive utility bills in my name. This means I’ll have to run to the DMV for a license change and actually do my taxes pronto to prove my address change. Good thing that it’s at least tax season, or I’d be up Shit Creek without my proverbial paddle. So much to do, with all the time in the world to do it, but completely lacking the motivation. The initial transition into a new life has already seen it’s emotional stage, and though I catch glimpses of it every now and again, it’s been all but accounted for. Now I begin the legal portion of the exchange, and hopefully with that, I’ll regain the mental stability to deal with things on a day to day basis. Recently, it’s been nothing short of a struggle. The more I internally refer to myself as becoming as useless as my father, the more I unintentionally actually follow in his footsteps; something I’m not at all proud of, and will be working on as soon as mentally possible. I’ve needed a break for so long, that now I’m taking too long of one. I need to get back on my feet. Mental illness, coupled with Lyme Disease has left me all but drained of stamina.

I will persist, and I will get through this. I’m not suicidal, and that’s a huge leap in the right direction. I don’t feel guilt and that’s another huge leap. The stress free lifestyle I currently have is both helping and hindering me, but I’m determined to find the right balance, and so I shall. It’s winter here, again, in New England, and that doesn’t at all help motivate me toward any goals, but it won’t be winter forever, (I think that’s the first time in my adult life that I’ve actually realized that) and I’ll get back outside, in the public eye, and have fun again soon! In the meantime, there are things at home worth looking after, and I need to just pull my head out of my butt and conquer the days until I’m stable enough to pull myself out of the exhaustion I face on a daily basis. I can do this, and I will… and I will write about it, too.


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